trust is always a thing…

As the anthology seems closer to becoming a reality, it feels like I have to trust even more that the writing will come.

As the new novel gets closer to being finished, it feels like I have to trust even more that the story will come.

As I continue to go through the days – and continue to deal with my lifelong stuff of anxiety, self-doubts, feeling like few people care – it feels like I have to trust even more that Jesus is with me.

Maybe it’s not that I’m really having to trust more. Probably it only feels that way because this is now, this moment… and past times and past feelings can feel less intense (sometimes) when we look back.

In reality, trust has always been a “thing” for me, whether it’s trusting God, trusting other people, trusting myself, trusting my voice and my writing.

Earlier this month, I made myself a small, easy TRUST bracelet.

I’ve been wearing it every day.

Around 20 years ago, I made a similar TRUST bracelet because I wanted a visual reminder to trust God, trust Jesus, on my faith journey. Because, like I said, trust has always been a thing for me. And back then, as it has been through so many periods in my life, my anxiety was amped up big-time.

(I believe there are many reasons for the severe anxiety issues I’ve had most of my life… and trust definitely plays a part.)

That particular trust bracelet was on a gold chain, dainty, easy to wear. After daily use for a very long time, I put it away. When I decided recently I wanted to return to wearing a daily reminder of TRUST, that old bracelet wasn’t an option anymore.

So I decided to make myself a new one. Inexpensive. Simple. Easy.

The main thing is the message it carries, the reminder whenever I glance at my hand.

TRUST.

God is with me. Jesus has my back. I’m never alone. The writing I’m given to write will come.

I see my bracelet with the simple block letters. I’m reminded of what I already know.

And I remember to trust.

It’s not always easy for me. But it’s oh so necessary.

 

spaces…

As I continually try to go through my days with more grace and ease, I’m reminded of how spaces can be important.

A space doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t have to cost anything.

For me, it simply needs to feel right for that moment.

My somewhat new morning routine now includes front-porch-sittin’ time.  Although we’ve lived in our house for ages, until two or three months ago I’d never spent much time on the front porch.

It’s small. It’s narrow. It feels so…exposed (for someone who is highly sensitive, extremely introverted, and socially anxious).

But suddenly I felt guided to spend time out there, enjoy some fresh air, before the day became too hot. So I went outside and sat on the front porch one morning. And then the next. And the next…

And now it’s become a routine I treasure.

My husband has weekends off from work, so the two of us sit out there together, on our old park bench, on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

On weekdays, I head there alone with an ancient, small, battery-operated radio.

I listen to soft jazz. I talk to Jesus. I look at the sky. I breathe the fresh air.

It’s a gentle, ease-full, slow movement into the day.

Another space I’ve come to appreciate more this year is the availability of tables at the public library where I can go to get some writing done away from home.

For the first time ever, I ran into a period this past winter and spring where my writing seemed to flow more easily when I was away from my desk – and not only away from my desk, but away from any room of the house.

Fortunately, the public library held the key to unlock my writing flow.

My space at the library offers a different view, different routine, and different feel than my familiar surroundings of home.

The writing is once again flowing when I’m at home  (and I’m so grateful!) but I’ve decided to continue scheduling days when I pack up my writing gear and head to the library to work.

A change of space, a change of pace, a change of view…

Finding the right space for that moment.

It can be a little thing. But it can be powerful.

 

pray, write, study, relate…

In this current season of my life, I’m paying close attention to what God is directing me to do, where to focus my attention, and how to spend my time.

This isn’t new. Even in the years when I tried to blend-and-merge my Christianity with other paths, I continually prayed for guidance and discernment, and I did my best to do what I was guided to do. (Now… as to how that played out regarding getting involved in those other paths, specifically New Age and metaphysical practices – I have some ideas and understanding (although I might never know for sure, at least not completely) and maybe I’ll talk more about all of that at some point.)

First off – before going into sub-category areas, I should say that the focus of my entire life falls under the umbrella of growing my walk with Jesus… and that impacts everything and it comes first above all.

And another goes-without-saying focus for me is my physical, mental, and emotional health. There’s some chronic stuff that has affected my day-to-day life in many ways, and so there’s that.

But breaking things down more, this year I’ve been clearly shown that, for now, I’m meant to focus my time and energy and attention on four areas…

Pray.

At some point back in the early-mid 90s, I took to heart the verse to pray without ceasing. Not in the sense that I pray without stopping all day every day, but in the sense that I have an ongoing conversation with Jesus all throughout the day each day.

(And yes, this continued even in my years of trying to have a foot in both worlds, the world of following Jesus and the world of the metaphysical/New Age.)

Somewhere around 1998 or 1999, I realized I’m what is sometimes called a prayer warrior.

I am called to pray.

Even when I can’t do much of anything else – whether it’s because I’m not skilled or trained or talented for other things, whether it’s because I’m not called to other things, whether it’s because I don’t have the physical strength to do other things, whether it’s because I have times when I’m mostly at home due to my health challenges…

Even when I can’t do other things, I can pray.

And even when I do get out and about, and involved in other things, and do other things… still, I feel called to pray.

So that’s what I do.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m not being guided to do something more “active” – but whenever I have that thought or question, God reminds me that prayer is taking action… and He reminds me it’s one of the main things He’s calling me to.

My job is to obey. And so I pray.

Write.

From the time I was old enough to form letters, I wrote stories.

I’ve long felt it was one of the reasons I was put on this earth. Regardless of what others think – and trusting that whoever is meant to read what I write will read it – I always return to writing fiction, even after taking time away from it.

The Holy Spirit continues to whisper to me: write.

This blog is one part of following that guidance. Fiction, for me, is the main part.

Study.

Until last summer, I’d been away from studying the Bible for several years.

During my venture along other spiritual paths, I still prayed, I still had a relationship to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit… but I stopped reading and studying the Word.

And that was a mistake.

That mistake (along with several other factors) contributed to my heading deeper into deception, and facilitated my ability to feel okay about being lukewarm and straddling the spiritual fence.

But God! But God used my mistake (mistakes, really) and my time in that deception to end up actually opening my eyes and my spiritual understanding to the Bible in a whole new way.

I’m now seeing God’s Word more clearly than ever before in my life, even though I’d spent my life as a Christian. I have an understanding of how it all relates, Genesis to Revelation, like I never have before.

Last summer I became hungry to read and study the Word again, and that hunger has only increased as these many months have passed. I read from a variety of translations, I use a variety of tools and helps in my studying and my research, and I’m doing Bible studies again.

This is something else I’ve clearly been told I’m to continue with as one of my main focuses in this season.

Relate.

And then there’s relate. Relationships.

My spiritual relationship (as I talked about above).

My relationship with my husband (which is sweeter than ever, after almost three decades together).

My relationship with friends … Friends I can talk to, where there’s give and take, both of us being there for each other, supporting each other, having a mutual relationship. And talking in real-time, whether it’s on the phone or meeting in person (because I got too deeply into a mostly-virtual world, and I’m craving real-time, voice-to-voice or face-to-face interaction and relationship). I can’t always get out and about to get together in person, but I’m doing more of that this year than I have in a long time… and it’s been such a blessing. Much of my family is lost to me now, due to deaths or brokenness, and my friends help me more than they probably know.

So… tending to relationships is another area I’m being guided to continue to focus on with my time and energy and attention.

I pray for discernment every day.

I ask to be the person God wants me to be, and to spend the time I’m given doing what He wants me to do. I pray for discernment to know the answers and to have the guidance to do those things.

There are many voices out there telling us to do this thing or that one.

There are only so many hours in a day.

There’s only so much focus and attention we have available.

So I ask to know where I’m meant to focus, what I’m being asked to do.

For me, for now, the answer is: pray, write, study, relate.