what I really want…

There are so many things I really want… World peace. Inner peace. Good and wonderful things for my loved ones. Joy. Happiness. Creative and spiritual connection.

But when it comes to a just-me-myself-and-I personal level, and if I break it down to one thing I really really want right now, it would be this:

I want to be healthy.

What used to be a once-in-awhile thing became, a couple of years ago, an almost-daily thing, which led to many doctor appointments and all sorts of tests (everything coming back normal), and is now apparently a chronic new-normal for me.

I mention it at times, usually referring to it as “my balance/equilibrium stuff”, although it’s sometimes much, much more than that. But very few people know how often and to what extent this impacts my life in big and small ways.

My ego accepting the use of a cane was a small thing. (Although I won’t lie – it was a thing for me.)

Other stuff… Well, some of them are much bigger things.

I sometimes have trouble accepting these changes in my life, this change in my health, the way that I sometimes feel so awful, the way I sometimes have such trouble moving around or being able to do things I love to do.

And I sometimes especially have trouble accepting them with grace.

I rail and I fight and I pray.

Sometimes I sob in private with grief. Sometimes I yell at God with anger. Sometimes I tremble inside with fear at what might be ahead with my health.

And when I have days – or even minutes – of feeling well and good, or at least not feeling so bad… I’m so incredibly grateful I can’t even describe the depth of it.

Gradually, I’ve been learning to accept my new-normal more, rail against it less, and make adjustments in my life to do as much as I can.

I find inspiration from people who deal with far more challenges and struggles, and do it with more grace than I often summon.

I continue to work on becoming healthier, and to maintain the health I have.

And if I could be truly healthy again? Yes, please. I really want that. 

But if it doesn’t happen? Then I want to live as best I can, and I want to do it with grace.

It’s a good bet that this is part of the reason embrace grace was the guiding phrase that came forward for me this year.

A reminder for me to open to receive grace.

A reminder for me to give grace to others.

A reminder for me to give grace to myself.