I didn’t get much sleep last night… although I got more than night before last, when bothersome thoughts kept roaming through my mind and kept me awake until the time many people were getting up for the day. When I woke up this morning, I was grateful for the sleep I did get.
And I was still feeling emotionally raw from the past couple of days.
Old stuff – stuff I’ve already dealt with on many levels – resurfaced for another go-round of healing at a new and deeper level. Things I thought I’d energetically cleared showed up and said nope we’re still here, you haven’t totally finished the work of releasing.
Some very important questions around believing and trusting and relationships and emotions and what’s real and what’s not.
I spent part of the morning doing some processing around what’s happened the past couple of days. I did some of the healing work which needs to be done.
This is a process.
This is stuff that’s a lifetime old (and possibly even older).
I’m being kind to myself about the fact more healing still needs to be done. I know how these things – and the healing journey itself – can go in cycles, or be like a spiral.
To expect only forward momentum – or for a ‘good place’ to remain always good, always static – isn’t realistic.
Life doesn’t usually work like that.
And there’s shadow.
There are ups.
And there are downs.
There are cycles. There’s the spiral of life. Our emotional and healing journeys aren’t linear.
After some time spent on processing and healing (work which isn’t over, it’ll continue), my husband and I headed on a drive in the beautiful sunshine and visited a craft store where I spent time joyfully – yes, definitely joyfully! – exploring the aisles and gathering some supplies.
I was low on a few shades of blue, so I bought new tubes.
I stocked up on more large canvases as well as canvas panels.
And I bought a new sketchbook. (Can I just say how much I love sketchpads and notebooks and journals?!)
And when we got home I spent some time playing with paint.
I still feel a little bit like I’m in an emotional-recovery space, feeling the need to be gentle with myself, feeling the need to do a lot of self-care.
At the same time, I’ve definitely felt the connection to joy today.
The time of working on processing and healing, driving in the sunshine, walking through the parking lot holding hands with my husband, shopping the aisles for painting supplies, a cold drink on a hot day, standing in front of my easel while I painted…